My Relaxed Gaze

📖Carefully Chosen Words_Hong In-hye

There was a time when I really wanted to be a copywriter.

I had a romanticized view of battling with words every day,

and earning money while being close to words—how fantastic!

With that thought, I secretly dreamed of becoming a copywriter.

Now, after six full years of corporate life, I know how terrible that thought was.

Now I know it so, so well, to the point of getting goosebumps.

Author Hong In-hye quit her long corporate career and became a freelancer.

She used to work at an advertising agency that I once wanted to join,

and even debuted as a poet.

This book contains the words that accompanied her through her struggles, comforts, loves, and challenges,

neatly presented within its pages.

I felt inspired to write about the words that make me who I am.

📝 Thoughts and Sentences I Loved

pg.18

‘꽝! 다음 기회에’ (Bang! Better luck next time) The interesting thing about this phrase is that ‘better luck next time’ follows ‘Bang!’. I’ve decided to focus on ‘next time’ rather than ‘bang’. My world may have collapsed with a bang, but its reconstruction will happen right where it fell apart.

pg.71

However, it was a misconception to think I could manage myself well even after leaving corporate life. My daily routine instantly crumbled. With the pillars supporting my life gone, my daily life collapsed like a tent with its poles fallen. Each day felt sluggish, as if heavy fabric was wrapping around my body. I became endlessly obsessed with sleep, as if making up for a lifetime of insufficient rest, and my body felt heavy, as if stuck in a mire.

pg.85

“Humans are, after all, a kind of machine.”

It was the realization that many things I had considered my mood, sentiment, or emotion were actually just reactions triggered by specific chemical substances. Just looking at myself, I operate under a simple scheme: I feel good when I eat sugar, and my anxiety worsens when I consume caffeine. According to scientific articles, even the metaphysical emotion of ‘happiness’ is ultimately the domain of the neurotransmitter serotonin, and most serotonin is produced in the gut, not the brain. This suggests that yesterday’s diet might determine today’s happiness. To think that everything I feel is merely the result of chemical reactions, not the resonance of a soul within me or a cosmic event!

pg.87

I had always thought my tastes were layers meticulously sculpted over decades. But they were merely the result of algorithms. I was a person with simple tastes, explainable by rules and diagrams; a master of obvious sensibilities; a figure who conformed to algorithmic frameworks. What exactly is an algorithm that so many YouTubers strive to be chosen by it, and why do we expose even ‘taste patterns’ that we weren’t even aware of ourselves?

(Omission) Emotions were the domain of science, not humanities. I thought my soul was humanistic, but it turned out to be merely statistical.

pg.92

When you fall in love, your heart becomes extravagant. It can be extravagant towards the other person, but also towards yourself. To be precise, it becomes extravagant towards the ‘self in love’. I used to passionately love even the version of myself that was in love.

When seized by that near-madness of emotion, pleasure followed. Even painful unrequited love felt sweet and dramatic. Countless songs and poems are created when people fall in love. Because we want to express the elated feelings and transcendent emotions that human language cannot convey, using every means possible. The heart at that time is utterly extravagant. Falling in love is a rare stroke of luck, so we are extravagant, utterly extravagant, wanting to prolong even the sweet pain for as long as possible.

pg.165

If so, what truly needed to be recorded and cherished were my parents’ voices and expressions, their postures and gestures. Their unique accents and verbal habits that I would one day deeply miss, the voice calling my name, “In-hye-ya,” and their soft laughter. The expressions they wore when looking at me, the way they held chopsticks, their relaxed posture when sitting in a chair, and their distinctive walk. Those were the things that truly needed to be carefully preserved.

Just as someone gifted new clothes to their mother and rediscovered her beauty, and recorded that feeling, I too should appreciate my mom and dad anew more often. I should record them more frequently. Because in the distant future, these will become the most precious records in the world.

pg.176

Having worked as a copywriter for many years, I had written countless short pieces. Then, it suddenly occurred to me that if I had been writing highly condensed writing, perhaps I could also try writing ‘poetry’. The fact that this was a kind of futile delusion was confirmed within five minutes of enrolling in a poetry class without much thought. The writings of the literary friends I met in class were individually shocking. They were seeing a world I couldn’t see. They were writing beyond what I had considered language.

pg.190

I like alcohol.

Those who are usually strict with themselves and have high anxiety might relate. I like the languid, relaxed feeling when I drink alcohol. I like gently letting go of worries that clung stubbornly to my temples. I like the uncontextualized positivity and being generous with my own emotions. Sometimes, even after finishing a tough day at work and heading home, when the feeling of being chased never quite disappears, when it feels like a client’s or boss’s hand is still gripping my heart, I open a can of beer. The moment the magical liquid gurgled down my throat and gently spread throughout my body, a celebratory firework of quitting time exploded in every single cell. Even now as a freelancer, I endure days packed with work for the sake of nights spent with a glass of wine, focusing on my favorite music. Alcohol loosens the joints of a rigid mind, giving art room to settle in.

pg.311

Sometimes I see people who become harsher and more resolute as they age. Their world narrows day by day, and their walls grow taller each year. While some people age that way, I hope that for me, aging will be a process of becoming more generous and lowering my boundaries. The loosening of my body will make my steps slower day by day and sometimes make me stop to pat my knees, but the loosening of my soul will make me more comfortable day by day and allow me to stop and gaze at more distant horizons.

Now, happiness has shed its strict integrity, sparkling distinctly yet sparsely like constellations in the distant sky. What perceived this was my relaxed gaze, my unhurried heart. I like this process.